Control - Personal Practice

I'm such a planner!  Each day I get up with a plan of how the day is going to go for the most part, with an allowance for a few exceptions.  If I'm lucky there may be some pleasant surprises too!

Then I start to get into my head about how I need to practice being in the moment.  Let go of all these plans!  

Reminding myself that all l I have is this moment.

It's a lot of practice, but little by little I'm getting better at being here.  Being here, right now.

With the practice of being in the moment I've started to notice a very dominant trait of mine.  

Control!

I feel great when I have a plan and feel in control!

I've also noticed that when a plan falls through I get very agitated and sometimes very upset.  

Loss of control can ruin an experience, a day, or a week for me.  

The irritating thing about this realization is that it all points back to my ego.  My ego thinks the world revolves around me.  My ego let's fear take a tight grip and it drives me to protect myself.

The interesting thing about this experience is the realization these feelings are only coming from me.  No one chooses my reactions.  I choose them.  

I choose to let my ego instill this fear when I loose control.  

I let my ego at times justify bad behavior because I lost control.

I am the one who allows negative and harmful thoughts to lead me when the ego is bruised.

It's funny how you think you have made so much progress when you start to notice yourself.  How you think that you've come forward in leaps and bounds in your journey because you see yourself as you are.

What I'm finding is that the doors are starting to open, I can see light at the end of the tunnel.  However, I still have many thresholds to pass till I get to the end.  Each door will not fully open and allow me to cross the threshold until I understand the lesson I'm learning fully.

And darn it all!  I can't force it!  I can't control it!

I have to relax and let it go once I've recognized the lesson.  I have to practice and continue to practice until it becomes second nature to me.

There is no control.