Changing a Mind - Personal Practice

I had been so hurt by a friend that I didn’t even realize I had shut down and wouldn’t let that kind of friendship in my life.

At the realization of this I took notice of my past behavior.  I was shocked at how I had treated others in order to protect myself from that type of pain.

Sure there had been times when I felt the pain, but I would push it back down.  

I thought I had overcome it because it didn’t bother me.  I had become a master at turning the feelings off.  I thought I was “letting it go”.

I thought I could be what I called a “bigger person” about the circumstance that led to my hurt.  I thought I was “forgiving”.

I was “letting it go” and I was “forgiving”, I still am.  But now I choose to allow myself to feel the pain and I choose to acknowledge that it hurts to be mistreated emotionally by someone.

I realized I was in hiding from my emotions.  I decided to come out of that hiding almost a year ago.  I decided to allow myself to be sad and upset over the hurt I experienced.

I noticed my decisions up to that point had been based on protecting myself and to not allow a friendship that close.

I realized that I was in circumstance that would not work for me because of my protective behavior.

I made changes over a four month timeframe to allow more time for me to spend with “me”.  

I then went through the pain of discovering and discussing how circumstance had shaped me over the past five years.  I put the work into taking down the walls.  I opened up to the possibility of friendship and found it!  But, opening up is not as easy as I thought it would be!

I’m still afraid of the pain of the hurt caused in the past.  At times the pain still feels fresh when I reflect upon it in a moment of fear in this new engagement of friendship.  But now, I talk about it with my friend.

My friend is patient and listens to me.  I have time to work through my hurt and move forward because of this patience.  There is no pressure to be someplace faster than I need to be and I don’t feel the need to placate to keep the peace.  

I no longer feel the need to hide!