Commitment - Personal Practice

I like to think I'm a committed person.

But in reflection upon my life I noticed it depended on what the commitment was.

Commitment I decided should be the lesson this week because I started out this week really proud of myself because I'd hit a milestone in my life with regard to commitment in a relationship, but by the middle of the week I was questioning my commitment.

I was surprised when I reflected back on my life and my commitments.  I found that I had purposely challenged people and waited for them to fail.  This way I could place blame on someone else for a failure.  I put myself in challenging and sometimes unhappy situations so I could show others how "really" committed I could be.  But I stayed protected and safe with the set up.

Specifically, this is all surprising with regard to relationships because I had a very long term relationship, but it was not without it's bumpy start.  But once the momentum was in place with the relationship I stayed committed and "my commitment" became a burden.  It was all about the commitment and not about the things that make up a committed relationship.  I didn't really have to work at it because I was on autopilot with commitment.  It became work without joint inspiration and there was no reward for either of us.

I didn't give up!  I tried again at relationships.  I knew I could be committed!  But that is all I knew.

Some commitments I made were half hearted and other commitments were not true to my heart.  

I really wanted to "make" something work, but force wasn't going to help.  It took me a while to figure this out.

Practicing self awareness helped me to realize the the importance of feeling rewarded and inspired by my commitments.  I began to recognize why some commitments were easier than others, even if some of the commitments were hard work.  This was for all things, not just relationships.

So when I found myself questioning my relationship this week, I noticed it was "my commitment" that was in question and not the relationship.  I'm inspired and rewarded by the relationship and commitment is worth it.  

The hard work that goes into any commitment that inspires and rewards is worth it and when I'm not getting my way I need to remind myself of that.  It's the "not getting what I want all the time" that makes commitment hard work!  

There are irritating things that bruise my ego, get me agitated, or frustrate me because it's not "my way".  

But will anything always be my way?  

Gosh, I hope not!  I've found that many things I've asked for in life I've gotten, and then I found myself noting later to "be careful what you wish for because you just might get it".

When staying committed some days are easy, some are not.  But I'll take the good with the bad as long as there is inspiration and reward for my commitments.  As long as I can look deep within and know the effort is true to my heart, I'll put in the work.

So I guess I don't need to "think" I'm a committed person, I really am a committed person!